Why should you wait for your friend to host a hen’s party to get excessively drunk from a straw that replicates the male reproductive organ? Well, you shouldn’t. Penis straws should become part of your Saturday routine. Gym, tan, laundry and penis straws.
So, get down to your local $2 shop and load up on flesh coloured straws (there will be no RAGRETS if you also pick up some bridesmaid sashes) and get your squad ready to take over Sydney.
The Dolphin Hotel: 1:00 pm kick-off
Did someone just say the N word?! Yes, they did. They said Negroni.
What a way to nurse your sore head from Friday night by starting your day with a Negroni or if you are well and truly Dusty Springfield, go for a big glass of apple cider.
Secure a position on the rooftop terrace so you can throw shade at the random people walking along Crown Street. People watching at its finest.
The Winery: 2:45 pm book in advance
Located 350 metres down the road from The Dolphin is the spiritual home of white pants, The Winery. This “urban garden oasis” makes for the ideal location for a yeah, the girls boozy lunch. Did I mention there are fairy lights for dayz?
If you aren’t sure about The Winery’s credentials just stand out the front on a Saturday afternoon. You will see scenes akin to the latest Daily Mail click bait article regarding Aussies gone wild at The Melbourne Cup. Pure carnage.
The wine list (which includes sparkling rose) is extensive and with jugs of Pimms, sangria and Aperol spritz on offer, you are going to be well on your way to the desired white girl wasted status. Oh, and the food is pretty good.
Low 302: 7:30 pm arrival
You’ve stumbled out of The Winery, avoided the Daily Mail snappers and now you are questioning why four hours ago you thought it was a good idea to wear your biggest heels. The good news is, despite moving like Bambi on ice skates, you only have 130 metres to walk to your next destination.
Low 302 is a welcoming cocktail bar that plays a range of blues, soul, rock n roll and jazz. Settle into a table with a round of espresso martinis before your squad forms the impenetrable hen’s night dancefloor circle and your designated “bride to be” is frog-marched out by the one hot security guard. That bitch.
After this day out, you will be reminded why Saturday’s are for the girls.
Recommended days: Saturday afternoon onwards
Total cost: $0 (just don’t look at your credit card statement, if you don’t see it, did it even happen?) – but seriously you are looking around the $200 mark
White girl wasted rating: 4.9/5